the end

These drugs that permeate through my body, poison my blood and my brain letting me escape into oblivion. I cant escape physically so I must escape mentally. Opium is the only thing keeping me going right now. After everything that has happened with James Vane (Sibyl Vanes crazy older brother) this is the only thing i felt safe with, the only thing I could be around is my opium. I couldn't believe that James Vane had been searching for me for 18 years to come kill me, he still blamed me for Sibyls suicide. And he actually found me! Because that stupid old hag from the opium den called me prince charming and he heard, thankfully the night he almost killed me I was able to get away because of how young I looked and he was thinking that he had to look for a man almost around 40. But later he then realized that that was me, that I had a curse upon my soul that made me never age so then he started tracking me down, but then at the shooting range, when he was looking for me he got shot down! My nerves calmed down but my guilt was still eating away at my thoughts so thats when I thought I had a revelation. I thought I could change I thought I could become a better person, I even had the chance to make love to this beautiful little peasant girl but I couldn't rob her of her innocence and with my newly formed thoughts to amend my life I said no. But now I realize all that is crap, i could never be truly good. Looking into the eyes of my painting I now know I can never be good again, my soul is far too corrupt. THE ANGER IS COMING BACK, MY EYES SHOW EVIL AND HYPOCRISY AND EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG, I AM A HYPOCRITE!

Servant: I was downstairs when I heard Dorian yelling something about being a hypocrite then I heard a terrible cry almost like the screech of a seagull, then a thud. So I ran upstairs and what I saw terrified me to my very soul, I saw this horrible little old man lying at the foot of a picture of a young beautiful Dorian and in the hands of the old man was a knife which he stabbed himself with. It wasn't until I saw the rings on the old mans hands did I realize that it was Dorian himself.

Oh God! What have I done?!

My hands are still shaking as I write this but i must get it all down before i forget it! Earlier today I was taking a walk when I saw Basil in the distance, I really didn't want to talk to him so I tried just quickly walking past him, but of course he saw me. He practically begged to come over so I had no choice but to let him come over. Once we got home he proceeded to tell me about all the peoples lives I ruined, about how I do all these wrong things and about how all the rumors are being spread about me. Basil was being so annoying! I kept telling him to shut up because i really didnt want to hear all those things, but he wouldnt shut up! Finally asked himself if he actually really knew me, then he wished he could see my soul. After he said that I knew I had to show him, I was terrified but at the same time so excited that finally I could share my secret with someone else, some one other than myself will see into the depths of my evil soul. So I led him up into the old school room, positioned him in front of the painting then tore of the sheet covering it, when Basil laid his eyes upon the image of what used to be a beautiful painting he went into a panic. He told me I needed to pray and ask for forgiveness. But looking at first the picture then at the pathetic thing on the ground groveling (Basil) i got sooo angry, so beyond hatred, I felt this anger welling up inside me like a volcano and then I dont know what took over me. First I saw red then all of a sudden i was stabbing Basil, not just once though, I had so much anger I had to keep stabbing him over and over again until the anger started dissipating. Then I realized what I had done, I killed someone! Thankfully though I called Alan Campbell my old friend to come over and well I had to blackmail him but he destroyed the body. After that I felt a sort of calm, all evidence has been destroyed and since I have done so many bad things in life this doesnt seem very traumatizing after all.

Stagnant

I know its been a while since i have written in you but what can I say. Its been years and nothing has really changed, I have been keeping myself busy by starting different hobbies. Although I have gotten pretty obsessive, it was nothing life changing. This book that Lord Henry gave me years back though did change my life. I love this book so much I read it everyday, I even got different copies of the same book and bound it with different colored covers for my mood. This book is about a young Parisian who devotes his life to “all the passions and modes of thought that belonged to every century except his own." Which really intrigues me since thats kind of what I am doing, searching for everything that brings passion and pleasure in life. The only thing though is ever since i got this book people have been commenting on the change of my personality, more rumors have been spreading and less people have been talking to me. If you want to know a secret though, i love it! I love how my soul is so corrupt but how my face shows no changes, as long as that horrid picture is kept covered up in the old school room and no one can see it, then no one will be able to see my sins, which is excellent! I really do hope no one steals my painting though. So many men dislike me that i know they would delight in seeing me fall to my demise, lets just hope its safe in the school room.

Im living a nightmare

In the past couple of weeks my life went from absolutely joyous to a terrible tragedy. It all happened when i met this actress Sibyl Vane after wandering the streets of London and ending up in this grotty little playhouse. She was playing Juliet in the Romeo and Juliet, this girl was so beautiful her lips were like two scarlet rose petal and her skin was like the finest ivory. I had to use all my willpower just so I wouldn't jump up on stage and kiss her. My instant love for her was unexplainable. After talking to her a couple times I decided right then and there that we were to be engaged and I couldn't wait to tell Lord Henry and Basil! When I first told them, they seemed rather hesitant but then they finally agreed that it was a good thing, so I invited them to the playhouse so they could see how beautifully she acted (one of the main reasons why I fell in love with her). This is when everything started turning bad though, so Basil and Henry come and see her act and she was TERRIBLE. Everything she did was overacted and she just seemed ridiculous, by the time the play was over half the audience had left. I couldnt believe my eyes, i just hated her by then. I couldnt believe this girl wasted my time like this, I thought she was amazing with art but no she was just another common peasant and so I broke off the engagement with her. When I did, this girl turned pathetic! She started crying and groveling at my feet, I was disgusted so I had to leave immediately. This is when the worst part comes in! After I left Sibyl committed suicide. I couldnt believe it, when Henry came to my house the day after she committed suicide and he told me, I was devastated! How could I have done that to someone elses life, how could I ruin someone like that. Thankfully after talking to Henry he made me feel soo much better. He made me realize that this was beautiful it was the perfect ending to a tragic love, and now i can appreciate this beauty. It makes me feel so good that someone loved me enough to kill themselves, as evil as that may sound. After I got home though I had to look at the painting and something in it terrified me, I realized that my expression in the picture changed, only a little, but enough to notice that I had this evil glint in my eye and this smirk that made me look like a jerk. I think my wish has come true! I think this picture will start changing once i get older I think it will start showing my sins when my face will show no scars of sin. Oh please let my thinking be real, lets hope I will never have to turn ugly!

Why?!

Why oh why does life have to be so unfair sometimes?! Basil finally completed his first painting of me today and he had to show it to me, that jerk does not realize what he just did to my life. Before I saw this painting, well I knew I was attractive but I never truly thought about it. But this painting showed me my true beauty and I'm so upset! I'm not upset because of my beauty but because of what Lord Henry said earlier. He always talks about how youth and beauty are the only important things in life and once you get old, well life is done. Now I will have to get old and ugly and hideous and this stupid painting will always keep my beauty and never grow old! That is soooo unfair, why cant I stay young and the painting get old!? Honestly the thought of me getting old just makes me feel sick. I would give anything to stay young, even my soul!

what a great day!

It all started when I met this man, his name was Basil Hallward. At first I thought he was the most intriguing man but after I got to know him, well I found out he wasn't as exciting as i thought. He invited me back to his house and when I walked in, I was amazed by his beautiful paintings and he noticed that. So he asked me to be his model, he told me he needed to capture my beauty. Basil felt so inspired by me, he had to paint me immediately. When he asked me it sounded so exciting i had to say yes but when I got up on the stand and he started to paint me he just shut up, which made everything so dull. After that it because routine for me to come over and would paint me even though I was bored beyond my mind. But then the best thing happened! I was over at Basil's today because he was painting me when the most marvelous guest came over! His name is Lord Henry and he is so amazing, his theories on life are so different from what other people think and I love it. I love how unique he is, makes my drab life seem a lot more exciting. I really hope him and I can become great friends, to get more of his theories would be excellent. Well lets see what happens, talk to you later!